Merry Wanderer of the Night + TIME

Awesome Essays: Tripp Lake

Tripp Lake is the story of Lauren Slater's time at camp, and the first time she realizes her fears. She discusses her family, the way they've been fighting and how, as a nine-year-old, that creates a greater sense of awareness for her. At camp she becomes more aware of how alone she is in the world, which she describes through a few sports scenes.

During a game of dodgeball she says, "I couldn't hurl that ball at her; it seemed existentially horible that we were called to do this sort of thing in the world, to live in a way where someone had to lose. I stood there, locked in place, mesmerized by her skin and her foot, while Nancy lifted the basketball high above her head and hurled it toward me with as much muster as she could muster, and I let the ball hit me on the hip. Nancy won. That was the only outcome I could tolerate."

And later, "You cannot really play lacrosse or soccer unless you are playing against someone, and this againstness requires that you see yourself as separate, with all that implies. But horseback riding is something you can do alone in the woods, or in a dusty riding rink, or even in your mind, in which you can canter, too. Riding is not about separation. It is not about dominance. The only person you might hurt is you. You are, at long last, without guilt."

While she is at camp the counselors see that she is sad, and they encourage her to start horseback riding even though she is too young for it. Through horseback riding she is able to approach her fear. With every attempt to jump she gets a little bit closer.

I loved this essay when I found it in The Best American Essays 2008 edited by Adam Gopnik, because I felt it so perfectly summarized the way I feel about a lot of things. I've always been more of an individual athlete because I hate the pressure of letting down a whole team. I also always hated dodgeball in school. More than anything though, I know what kind of guilt she is talking about in this essay. The guilt of leaving her parents, especially her mother, which she touches on throughout the essay. I can't find this anywhere online, but you should really go to your library or purchase this book (it's full of great essays!) and read Tripp Lake. I'll leave you with one last passage that represents what I mean about guilt.

"I knew brittle was breakable. Sometimes, driving in the car, she crushed the accelerator to the floor, just for the feeling of speed, and other times she cried with her mouth closed. I had the feeling, there at the bust stop, that she wished she were me, about to board a bus heading for the horizon, a green-striped bus with Peter Pan dancing on its flank and girls unabashedly eating apples. And because I felt her long, inchoate, certainly unspoken, my chest seemed to split with sadness, and also guilt. This was a new emotion, en emotion that sits in the throat, an emotion that is maybe more imagistic than all the others. Guilt mad eme imagine that while I was away, my mother would come undone: her arm would fall off; her hair would drift from her head."

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Awesome Essays: Tripp Lake + TIME