Merry Wanderer of the Night:
intense

I was so excited for Don't Say a Word by Holly Cupala because I absolutely loved Tell Me a Secret. And for the most part it SO delivered. Almost the whole way through Don't Say a Word, I was convinced it was going to be a new favorite, a five star rating, Basically Amazing. Everything about it was like Tell Me a Secret, only more. The cover is better, the emotions more intense, the danger more real etc. But, unfortunately, everything was more, which also means that the complaints I had about the ending of Tell Me were more in Don't Breathe as well, and I was left disappointed by the end.

In Don't Breathe a Word, Joy, so desperate to get away from the problems in her home life, fakes her own kidnapping and runs away, determined to find the homeless boy in Seattle who once offered her help. The pieces to why Joy is so desperate to get away, and why it's necessary that it not seem like a voluntary absence, are slowly revealed as the story unfolds. You know there is something sinister about her boyfriend, Asher, but we don't know the extent of it until much later in the story, but still, my heart just ached for Joy as I thought about all that she must have gone through, all that rested on her shoulders. But, then, she escapes and she finds Creed, who welcomes her into his 'family'.

Joy (now called Triste) knew that being homeless would be hard. But she thought more about the physical hardships — no shelter, little food, no money etc and less about the dangers from other people. Before she finds Creed, she has close encounters with several dangerous persons and in one encounter, loses her backpack with all her money, but more importantly, her asthma inhalers, which she needs to live. She's been hospitalized numerous times because of near fatal asthma attacks, and it's one more reasons Joy felt completely smothered at home. This is something that saddened me, because her parents don't realize what her life is like. She tries so hard to be a help, not a burden to her parents that she doesn't tell them about what's going on with her and they either don't notice, or they choose not to. Everyone is constantly afraid she will have an asthma attack so her freedoms are nonexistent and her boyfriend is controlling, manipulative and creepy. And her parents have no idea, instead pushing her closer to Asher, because he takes care of her and can protect her. Broke my heart. It's something that I'm genuinely afraid of — having a child going through something so horrible and not having a clue about it.

This book, this story was intense. Living on the streets is not a picnic, not something easy, and a decision to leave your home to live on the streets is not something that should be easily reached. Joy thought she was prepared for what was waiting, but she wasn't even close. I was constantly afraid for Joy and I was so happy when she found a group of people who accepted her and helped her. She really connected with the people who made up her new family; Creed, the leader who found her and was the first to welcome her, Santos, who keeps his dark secrets close but finds Triste the asthma medicine she needs, and May, initially wary of Triste and unwilling to welcome her, but they soon reach a friendly understanding and May even gives Triste a better (much better) haircut. But, life on the streets cannot remain happy for very long and the four are faced with regular challenges and dangers, some that they cannot escape from.

And it's told beautifully. I mean it. Guys, I was always so caught up in this story, so moved, so worried for these characters. I felt so much of this story, so strongly. Cupala writes hard and painful emotions perfectly.

But as I mentioned earlier, I didn't feel the novel as a whole maintained that level of emotion. For such a powerfully intense and gritty story, the ending was far too tidy. The story was so realistic, so believable and so hard to read because of it. But then the ending took all that away from me. Real life does not hand you packages wrapped with bows, which is what I got from this book. If I want bows on my endings, I read light-hearted Contemporary, maybe some fantasy, or some middle grade. If I want realistic and honest endings, I read Contemporary YA. And this book delivered all that I desire in an emotional Contemporary read, right up until that ending. And the ending that was delivered here cheapened not only the experiences of every single character, but the people and teens who have to live through something like this in real life too.

I'm a firm believer in the power of endings. Ofttimes for me, they can make or break a book completely. I still loved this book, I really did. The writing is too honest and powerful to ignore but the ending significantly lessened the impact of the story for me.

But even with my disappointment in the ending, this is still a book that I'm going to highly recommend reading. Cupala is a gifted writer and I plan to read her for as long as she writes (although, not gonna lie, I am hoping that her endings get a little more... authentic with future books).

I know that in a previous Memory Monday Post, I talked about Willo Davis Roberts, and the impact she had on me as an author. (in my blog to read it. It's hysterically funny.) But, I talked about her writing in very general terms. Today, I want to talk about one book in particular that was a big deal for me.

I've always been super nerdy when it comes to books. I love making my own book lists, reading books from specific award lists, etc. So, when I learned in 4th grade (I think) that there was a contest of sorts where you were to write in with the number of mystery books you had read to 'win' I signed up! I kicked myself for days after sending in my list because I kept thinking of more and more that I had read and forgotten to put down, but I guess 9 is still a lot for a 4th grader because I won! I won a certificate along with my very first signed book, Twisted Summer by Willo Davis Roberts.

I cannot even begin to describe what it felt like to look down at that book and see that signature, knowing that the woman who wrote this book, whose books I had been reading and loving for years had TOUCHED MY BOOK. Seriously. Whoa.

I was going to take a picture, because I still have both the book and the certificate, but I can't find my camera. Perhaps another time.

But honestly, for a 4th grader who has loved books her whole life, that was the greatest, most amazing moment. I wish I had been more careful with the book, but it was one of my favorites of hers and I read it over and over. It's not in awesome shape anymore, but it is definitely a book I will keep and treasure forever.

(I mean, seriously!! 4th grader getting a SIGNED book from their favorite author?! AMAZING!!)

I am going to admit it... Virtuosity by Jessica Martinez is a book I read because I loved the cover. The summary makes it seem like a romance that just happens to be set during a major violin competition. So I was expecting something fairly fluffy and feel good romancy.

Umm. No. Not at all. There is so much more to the story than that. SO very much more. Carmen is an intensely passionate and complex character. She's an amazingly talented violinist, but she's also a teenager, a person, even though she's never really been given the chance to be normal. She's preparing for a huge violin competition, THE big violin competition and she's the favorite to win. But there is one other person who might be able to take the prize from her, a boy from England named Jeremy and Carmen becomes almost obsessed with discovering who he is so that she can determine whether or not she needs to be nervous. And what happens when they begin to get to know each other completely changes Carmen. And not in that annoying — OMG I like, have my first, like, crush, on like, this boy, like you know, he's like, well, like hot and stuff? — way but in a way that makes her question why she's really doing what she's doing and how far is too far in pursuit of dreams.

This book was so much more than I expected it to be and I absolutely loved it. From the teaser at the beginning where Carmen is contemplating dropping her Stradivarius violin off the balcony (!!!! NOOOO!!!) to the very end when the story comes to its ambiguous resolution, I was completely and totally involved in this story and I felt the story, nearly as strongly as if I were living it.

Almost every part of this story was perfectly blended. The side characters and their stories were fully developed and contained just enough detail that I really felt like I knew them as well. I find that I am lacking sufficient eloquence to do this story justice, but believe me, it is worthy of every bit of praise it has received. One of the most complex relationships in this story is that of Carmen and her mother. I am going to be intentionally vague here, because there is much to this story that you must learn on your own, but it is one of the most toxic relationships I have ever seen. On the surface, all seems fine. They have moments were they are just quiet together, being a mother and daughter and basking in the fact that they have a strong bond. And initially, I actually cheered that a parent in a YA novel was a good influence, active and involved in her child's life. But then things start happening that make you wonder at what is going on beneath the surface and I ended the book with absolute disgust and disdain for that mother and not a small amount of hatred.

My first inclining that all was not as well as it seemed was when young 11 or 12 year old Carmen has her first bout of crippling stage fright and, rather than work through it with her, her mother immediately signs her up for anti-anxiety beta blockers, because there's no way she can cope on her own and her career can't take another performance like that one. What type of mother does that?! Has such little faith in the abilities of their child and makes that painfully clear to them?! Carmen develops a psychological dependency on these beta blockers and her mother encourages this, telling her she is no good without them and that if she needs more, to just take more and all things will be fine. And this ends up being a large part of Carmen's struggles later in the novel.

I do wish that more time had been given to Carmen's struggle with addiction, because it is a dangerous and powerful thing. It seemed too easy for Carmen to overcome her dependency, especially given how strongly her mother pushed her to get back on them and that confused me some. I wish it had played a stronger role in the novel but as it stands, it was a stepping stone of sorts to the larger issue at play, which is her relationship with her mother/agent and where that all went wrong.

For most of the novel, Carmen is torn between wanting to be with Jeremy and not feeling like she is able to trust him (there's that mom again). And my heart hurt for her. It's impossibly hard to feel like the person that you are falling for is out to sabotage you. But really, Jeremy was a great person. He's confused as well, trying to reconcile each of the parts of himself into one person and figure out what is truly important in life. Watching the two of them start to learn together was wonderful and challenging and just made my heart happy.

The climax of the novel, which includes Carmen contemplating the destruction of an irreplaceable violin made me so emotional I had a hard time even reading. I was such a mixture of fury, disbelief, pain and fear. Carmen is not in a good place at that point, and I don't blame her. It was devastating to read but so well written.

Martinez really understands how to write a book, how to fully engage the reader and how to make one care completely for the characters within. I am going to be avidly watching Martinez for whatever she comes out with next. There is no way I can use one review to adequately describe every part of this novel that was great, to talk about each of the things that I loved, that really worked for this book. So just take my word for it (and the word of lots and lots of others who have also loved this one) and go read it. This is one time when even that stunning cover isn't enough for the brilliance of the story within. So seriously guys. Read this book.

I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone by Stephanie Kuehnert was a novel I had very high hopes for. When the first novel you read by an author easily makes the top 5 books read this year, you expect a lot.

I asked Stephanie to take part in Just Contemporary month, and because she is awesome, she said yes. I knew that I wanted to read Joey Ramone to review it around the same time I posted her interview, so I did. And, in case you are wondering whether or not it lived up to my expectations, here is (and I quote) what my GR initial review was once I finished the book:

DUDE. Stephanie — THOU ART GENIUS and I am now basking in your glow.

Our main character, Emily, feels music intensely, with every part of her body. It's just her and her dad, because her mother walked out on them when Emily was 4 months old and has had no contact with any of them since then. Her father told Emily that her mom left to follow the music and that's what Emily has grown up believing. And so when the music begins to call to her as well, she embraces it, body and soul and the music gives life. She starts a band with her absolute best friend (the daughter of her mother's best friend, actually) and her friend Regan's crush, Tom. And although the road is rocky getting there, the three of them make amazing music together that the people love.

This book read a little bit like a love letter from Stephanie to Punk Music. And I loved it. I will be the first to admit that I'm not a music junky. I love music, but I don't actively seek out new songs or bands and I often go days without listening to any. (I don't even own an ipod...) . But reading this book made me desperately wish that I felt the music the way Emily does and the way that I suspect Stephanie does as well. The descriptions of the concerts and the sounds and the heightened emotions just sunk into my blood and made me wish that I had been old enough to truly appreciate the Punk revolution in the 90s. (I was in elementary school then. A bit young to be moshing).

Music was a huge part of the story, and it could have been a story on it's own, but the true complexity of the story, what makes it more than another story about kids loving music is the story of Emily and her mother, Louisa. As the book progresses, we learn more about what made Louisa leave and how it eats at her, little by little every day that she is gone. She has not led an easy life since leaving and every decision makes her feel worse and worse and less and less worthy to ever rejoin her family. My heart hurt a little for Louisa, even though I found myself to be incredibly angry at her. I have a really hard time with people who walk out on their family and I tend to be a very harsh judge. So I was quite surprised to find myself feeling compassion for Louisa instead of just disdain. (Don't worry, that was there too, but my feelings were far more complex than that). She convinced herself that she was doing what was ultimately best for her daughter and she never let them see her looking back.

Emily grew up not knowing much about her mom. It's really hard for her dad to talk about it (he still wears his wedding ring) and Emily has convinced herself that she doesn't need a mother and that she doesn't even miss her or care that she's gone. But that pain lingers. When a parent leaves you, whether you ever knew them or not, it changes you and it's pretty much always going to be a part of you. That pain and anger and confusion slips into her music and fuels a large part of her passion. And it broke my heart completely. I cry a lot in books where people die, but I don't often usually cry at other places. But this book, this one made me choke up more than a few times as Emily was struggling internally with her emotions and facing demons she wished didn't even exist.

As much as I loved this book overall, I do have to admit, I was a little (or okay, a lot) concerned by the very casual and completely destructive drug and alcohol abuse in just about every character. Almost all of the main characters have some serious substance abuse problems and aside from two scenes, it's never really portrayed as a problem. It's just what you do in Rock & Roll. Which I understand. It was a huge part of the music scene, especially that punk/grunge era. But that doesn't mean it wasn't a problem. And it was, IMO, far too easy for the characters who did realize they had a problem to just 'fix' it. Addictions aren't really that easy to kick. That's why they are addictions.

But even that wasn't enough to dampen how much I liked this book. Part of that is because I recognize that as a personal choice/preference. But either way, this is a powerful story about growing into yourself, accepting who you are, and loving music. This is another of those books that keeps going for me. I can't stop thinking about what choices each character might make next, where they might go, what they might say or do. And while the book did give you a sense of closure, the story of these characters is by no means over. There is a long way yet for them to go and I, for one, hope that getting there is smoother than their previous journey.

This book has cemented something that I had strongly suspected after reading Ballads. I will read anything, anything that Stephanie will write. She has this way with words that just seeps into your mind and soul, filling your thoughts and popping up at odd moments saying Don't forget about me. As I mentioned before, Stephanie, Thou Art Genius.

Yesterday, I posted an interview with Jay Asher. It was an awesome interview and asking the questions I did and reading his responses brought back a lot of memories. (You can read it here and enter to win a signed copy!!) I read Thirteen Reasons Why a few years ago, back in my last year or so of college and I loved it. It was such an intensely emotional read and it just buzzed around in my brain for days.

It has been a while since I read this book, at least 2 years I would say and so I'm a little fuzzy on specific details in the story. But I remember this book vividly. I remember picking it up because I had heard a lot of talk about it and it seemed like my kind of story. I remember reading it and not being able to stop. Once I started I just had to keep reading and reading. And, I also remember begging, pleading in my mind for Asher to have thought of some way for it to only have been a fake suicide, so that Hannah could come back at the end of the novel because by the time I closed the book I was so in love with her and I just ached so terribly for her and wanted so desperately for there to be something that could be done to make things better for her.

Asher is a gifted and brilliant writer and the idea of a young girl sending tapes to her tormentors so that they would know what role they played in her suicide is something I had never given thought of. It is so much most impactful than a note, but it is also something rather vindictive and, as much as it should (and does, a little) shame me to admit this, it is something that really appeals to me. If I were in Hannah's place, driven to death by the tormenting actions of my peers, I would want them to spend every day for the rest of their lives with that knowledge. And some of Hannah's tormentors completely deserve that. They are horrid. But many of them probably never gave any further thought to the events that devastated Hannah so thoroughly. They were basically good, normal kids who had a moment of cruelty or disinterest and never understood how their actions affected someone on such a deep level.

I feel like that is true for a lot of people. We have no way of knowing where a person is at, what their struggling or trials are, what triggers melancholy, or even if they are the type of person to be inclined towards suicide. We have no way of knowing and we also have no way of knowing the true impact of our actions toward others. What seems like a tiny moment of fun for one person can end up being something so monumentally damaging to another that they never forget it. I loved that this book expounded on that, that this book shows us what Hannah went through and what Hannah perceived. Perception is a huge part of this story and it touches everything.

The characterization in this novel was completely perfect. Hannah is telling her story through these tapes to her tormentors and Clay is devastated to realize he is on the list. He liked Hannah, really liked her and things almost seemed as if they might start between the two of them. As he walks through the town, listening to Hannah tell her story, ending up in the places Hannah describes, my eyes burned for him. I wanted to just reach out and hug him, because that would be unbelievably hard. I was terrified for his turn on her tapes because Clay had no idea what he could have done, so neither do we. And, as if the fact that he is listening to her again, hearing all the pain and hurt she faced, he spends half the tapes scared and wondering what he could have done to Hannah, crushed that he was a part of her pain.

I know that this review is a little bit all over the place, but seriously you guys, this book does that to a person. It has been years since I read this book, but it's still vivid in my mind and thinking about the book again is playing havoc with my emotions. This is a book that is uncomfortable to read and is going to make you stop and look at your own life, make you wonder if you have ever been that person, the one to say something snide or intentionally hurtful and forget about it, not knowing the impact it had on the other person.

So go out and read this book. It is a book that has a lesson for everyone and I cannot think of anyone that wouldn't benefit on some level from reading this book. It's not by any means an easy read. Its challenging, painful and will freaking rip your heart out and mangle your soul. It's the type of book that changes a person. So read it. Seriously. Go and do it now. And I dare you to not be moved.

Breathing Underwater by Alex Flinn is written as a series of journal entries. The journal is written by Nick as an assignment from the judge who also sends him to anger management after the girlfriend he beat up finally presses charges. The book was published in 2001, before the recent increase in dating violence novels, and it tells a story often overlooked, that of the abuser instead of the abused.

It's a delicate subject. And it tells a hard story. Because while Nick is (obviously) not without his faults, he most certainly has his good points as well. And as I read I found myself feeling... not sympathetic, exactly, but definitely feeling something, more than I thought I would.

Initially, Nick is angry at being forced into these group anger management classes and he hates the idea of having to keep a journal. He doesn't think he has a problem, thinks he just needs to pretend to clean up a little so he can get Caitlin back, get the courts out of his face and everything can be perfect again. Because we are reading Nick's journal, we are privy to his thoughts, his perceptions and misconceptions. But we are also able to read between the lines and recognize that we are missing things, both because Nick is leaving them out and because Nick simply doesn't see them. The initial entries into the journal are very sarcastic and emotionless. It's clear that Nick doesn't want to be bothered with a journal and that he thinks it's stupid. But as Nick's story progresses, more and more emotions leak onto the pages until Nick is really keeping a journal and using it as a way to organize his thoughts and face up to painful memories and truths.

This is a book with astounding character growth. We learn enough about Nick throughout the course of the story to know that his life is not as easy or golden as his school friends always believed it to be. And Caitlin knew this, which is perhaps the reason that she stayed with him for so long, forgave him so many times. But, even though Flinn offers up Nick's back story, allowing us to get to know who he is and what life experiences have shaped him, she never excuses or justifies his behavior, and ultimately Nick is not allowed that either.

The group anger management class ends up being the best thing that ever happened to Nick, both because of the sympathetic and understanding instructor, and because Nick can see himself in the actions of some of the other members of the class and he doesn't like what he sees. For such self-assessment to come from a 16 year old who then takes it and applies it to making himself better is amazing. Nick really grows as a person and while I don't think Caitlin should ever take him back, I also think that he would not easily allow himself to fall back into the patterns of an abusive relationship. He really gets it.

This is a story that needed to be told and needs to be read by more people. I don't think enough people know about this book and I don't think it's one that should be missed. It's painfully hard to read at times. Nick doesn't hide the nasty things he said to Caitlin, because in the beginning, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with what he's done. And then, as he begins to recognize what was wrong with his actions, he starts to expose more of his internal motivations for being so cruel and the thought to action correlation begins to make more sense.

Flinn is brave for taking an oft told story and telling the unspoken side of things. It would be easy, in a novel about an abuser to make him either evil and terrible or to justify his behaviors to the point of absolution. But abuse is not a misunderstanding and it's rarely so simple as to be the actions of the truly evil. And Flinn has captured that beautifully. Nick is human. He is flawed and over time, he begins to accept that and work toward a change. THIS is what Contemporary is all about. Finding these novels that capture a moment in the human experience and open your eyes to it, make you recognize it for what it is, make you learn and grow as a person and help to open windows of understanding into subjects otherwise closed to us. Every side has two stories and it is a brave writer who can so masterfully tell the unpopular one.

My Beating Teenage Heart by C.K. Kelly Martin is everything that I love about reading Contemporary novels, even though technically, it isn't really Contemporary...
The book starts with a nameless, unknown narrator falling through the stars and landing just above a boy, who breathes grief. We know nothing about the narrator, but can't fault them, because our narrator knows nothing about who they are either. The past is revealed in pieces to our narrator, (almost) 16 year old Ashlyn, but it's slow. For some inexplicable reason, Ashlyn has become tied to Breckon, a boy about her own age who is filled with pain and loss. She desperately wants to help him through his grief but is helpless. She's not a ghost, because she has no shape or appearance, and can't move, but rather she is a consciousness. It's hard to explain and something that I imagine everyone who reads this book will interpret and imagine differently.
The narration in this book is split between Ashlyn and Breckon. Ashlyn spends her time watching Breckon, aching for him, wanting so desperately to help him and trying to recollect the missing pieces of her past, figure out what happened to her and accept the fact that she is dead. Breckon's narration is both simpler and far more complex. He has so much grief and guilt roiling around inside him. Ashlyn's thoughts are nostalgic and contemplative, but Breckon's thoughts switch between numb and empty to intensely painful. There were a few times I had to pause to just breathe because Breckon's pain was so intense.
The dual narration in this book was perfect. Both Ashlyn and Breckon had their own distinct voice and there was never any doubt as to who was speaking. There were definitely times when it felt like I was intruding on a private moment, something that no one was meant to witness. Sometimes Breckon's thoughts just made me ache for him.

The supporting cast was also written very well. Breckon has such a strong support group, so many people who love him and want the best for him. His parents are trying to cope with their grief, just as hard as he is, his best friends try to be what he needs them to be, and his girlfriend wants to do anything she can for him. All offer him their love, all extend their assistance, and all are, at some point, both pushed away and pulled in by Breckon, who is really just trying to decide whether it's even worth it to hold on to life anymore.

Breckon really isn't okay. He's very clearly suffering and he's not really doing anything to try and move on. And honestly, throughout this book, I was never really sure, never felt that promise most books give you that things will turn out alright in the end. So I spent time wondering — Is he going to be okay? Will things end up alright?! And you don't know. I mean, you really just don't know until the end what he decides. Think about it — There are two narrators and one is already dead. So where is the promise that the other will end up okay. There isn't one. It's mean and sneaky and makes certain scenes just desperate. But oh does it add a level of urgency and reality to the story. Because in real life, you don't know, you can't know what someone is going through and whether or not they will end up alright.

My only real complaint with this novel is near to the end. I didn't feel like I got the information from Ashlyn about her life, but mostly about her death that I felt the story deserved and called for. There was a lot of build up without enough delivery, and while I understand how and why it was written that way, it didn't feel quite... right. But then I got to thinking, and although Ashlyn is given more narrative time than Breckon, although we hear her thoughts strongly throughout the whole story, the book is really for Breckon. He is the real main character, the real center of the story and although Ashlyn is undeniably important, Breckon is the star. And the book wasn't about death. Not really. It's about living. It's hard to pin down exactly what I'm trying to say about this idea without just letting someone glimpse into my thoughts but it's a story that makes me think about what it is to live.
Too much of this book is spent with a character in the space just after death for it to be considered Contemporary fiction. But is has all the things a good Contemporary novel can offer and it's a book that I am going to classify as Contemporary anyway.
I need to read more by Ms. Martin. If this is how she handles storytelling, her past and future novels are ones I refuse to miss out on.

Raw Blue by Kirsty Eagar is a book you may not be terribly familiar with. So far, only released as an Australian title, it's hard to find a copy in the US. I first heard about the book from Linds at Bibliophile Brouhaha. (<- — that is an important link... You should click it & read it.) She talks about this book all the time, both on Twitter and her blog. I'm really passionate about the books that I absolutely love, so I'm a bit of a sucker for people who are intensely passionate about favorite books, and it automatically makes me more excited to read them. So, when Linds asked if I wanted to borrow her copy of this book, I was thrilled.

Carly is suffering. She's dropped out of University to spend her mornings surfing and her evenings working in a kitchen so she can afford to surf. She's shy and skittish and you know something has happened to her that's left her scarred. While surfing, she meets Ryan, a guy a bit older than her with some murky pieces in his past, but somehow, Carly finds herself drawn to him anyway. And as she spends more time with Ryan, more time facing her own demons and more time being herself, she slowly starts to heal, and wow is this powerful.

I am going to admit that there are two things holding me back from being as enamored of this book as Linds and many of the other bloggers I've seen mention it. The first is something that I cannot blame on anything except myself, and that is my expectations. I fully expected to love this book, because Linds and I agree on a lot of other books, and because everyone seems to love it. It's a tough, hard-hitting contemporary, something I'm very drawn to, and all the parts and pieces were there for me to just be blown away by this book (and, umm, the author is Australian. And dude, there must be something in the water over there, because these authors rock!) But, I had heard the book compared to Melina Marchetta* (something that is dangerous, as we see, because it makes my expectations impossible to meet) and while Eagar's writing is very emotional and very powerful, it didn't hit me the same way as Marchetta's writing does, so I was initially disappointed, waiting for the magic of Melina to kick in. When that didn't happen I was disappointed, and it wasn't until I gave myself a mental kick that I started to read it as an Eagar book, not the next Marchetta, which immediately increased my enjoyment of the book. I really want to reread this one, both so that I can revisit the story, but also because I think the book deserves a fair chance from me from the beginning.

The other complaint I had with this story is slightly spoilery. So, I'm warning you right now. Honestly, it's something that I had figured out from the back cover, and then again within the first 50 pages or so. But still, you've been warned. From the way Carly acts, you know she's been sexually assaulted at some point. And, it's scarred her, because that's what something like that does. And it hurts, it really and truly hurts. You can feel Carly's scars and it so broke my heart over and over again. I understand that being able to accept sex as a positive and loving thing is important to the healing process after an attack that like. But in my opinion, it wasn't handled here as well as it could have been. Especially with Ryan (which means I'm skipping the almosts from before). When she's with Ryan, after they start sleeping together, I thought things progressed beautifully. They were a great couple and Ryan was amazing with and for her, and he really helped her heal. But, they slept together on the first date, and this first date came after they'd only talked to each other a few times on the beach. I have a hard time believing that someone who has been through what Carly has would welcome sex on a first date and be healed by it. It just didn't feel right to me. It felt like the insta-love thing that so much of the paranormal fiction is guilty of. I know that some people are going to disagree with me here. I get that. I understand it. But I kinda also don't care. You are coming from it where you are, and I'm coming from it where I am. Everyone has had different experiences that allow them to view the world differently, and this is mine. I don't think you can have meaningful sex when you barely know someone, and I didn't feel like Carly and Ryan were given the chance to know each other before making that choice.

I'm cringing here now, because it feels like that's a whole lot of negativity above. But that's not the case! Not the case at all. Those were the only two things I didn't love about this book, and although it's a long section, that's mostly because I talk to much and sometimes over-explain things. But really, this book is pretty much brilliant. Eagar's characterization is spot on. Carly is suffering, and the suffering from her assault is compounded by this idea that she is now unclean or unworthy. And that is made worse again because she doesn't have a strong or supportive family to turn to, which also breaks my heart. But she finds surrogates in surfing and the friends she makes there. It's not perfect, but she starts to recognize truths about the world and herself, and she slowly starts to heal.

I love that overall, Eagar made Ryan's part in Carly's healing authentic and realistic. He wasn't a cure all, didn't come with a magic wand and he wasn't able to take away all of Carly's pain. Most of that she had to deal with on her own. Ryan is there for her, at all times, and he extends his support to her in anyway she needs, anyway she's willing and really, that right there just made my heart fill for this guy. He's seriously great. It kinda makes me wish for more older guys in YA.:)

So here's the thing. I know that there were those two things I marked as complaints about this book. But I don't think you should let that deter you in any way from finding any possibility of grabbing yourself a copy of this book, or in helping us to give some of these US publishers a little nudge, asking them to bring Ms. Eagar over to the states. Because this is a book worth reading. Go read some of the posts Linds has up on her blog. Her passion and commitment to this book is truly impressive and it's obvious that she loves it and believes in it. And you know what? She's absolutely right. There is so much that this book has to offer. So much that we can learn from these characters that it's a shame more people aren't familiar with it. It's a book I'm going to do my darndest to get the chance to read again, and it's one that I don't think is going to leave me for a long time. It makes you think, makes you wonder, makes your insides bleed, and then, somehow helps you up, washes your face and makes you stronger and better able to face the world.

*Footnote — One of my pet peeves is actually reviews that use other books or authors as comparisons in their review, especially when they end up making that comparison write their review for them. So, my apologies that I'm doing it here, but it's the only way I could accurately describe why I was disappointed in what would otherwise have been phenomenal writing.

Ashfall by Mike Mullin is a post-apocalyptic novel that takes us into what it might be like if the Yellowstone Supervolcano were to actually explode.

I like in SE Idaho, which means that Yellowstone National Park is only about an hour and a half drive from my house. I spent many summers playing in the park, and I loved it. Seriously. If you've never been to Yellowstone, put it on your bucket list. Growing up so close to Yellowstone is what interested me in Ashfall in the first place. I knew the book wouldn't be about the park, because if the volcano erupts, I promise — there is going to be no park left. But I vividly remember the first time I went to the park after learning that it was one of the world's largest volcanoes. I was terrified and had these vivid mental images of my dad driving the car up the side of a giant mountain and straight down into the frothing, bubbling magma of the TV volcanoes.

Let me tell you — this book has made me insanely glad that I live where I do. Why? Because if the Yellowstone Volcano does explode? I die. Living so close makes for a great summer vacation but my survival chances are like 1 in 100gazillion million, if every single condition is absolutely 100% perfectly perfect. And even then, it's most likely that I'll live for an hour, getting to watch the massive, roiling cloud of dark death coming for me, and then I die.

Death isn't something I welcome, but I tell you what — after reading about the likely future for survivors?! I'm okay with it. The apocalyptic world that Mullin describes here in this book is freaky. And, not in the way that zombies are scary, because as much as we like to plan for 'when zombies attack' it's never actually going to happen. But this, this could definitely happen. If Yellowstone explodes, it would be absolutely devastating. We are talking thick blankets of ash coating most, if not all of the United States and worldwide weather changes from the ash in the sky. Everyone will suffer. Global chaos man. Ash coating a majority of the midwest or hanging out in the sky, obscuring the sun means that nothing will grow. No growing things means that animals will die. And, since most people don't keep much more food in the house than will last them a week, food will be scarce, people will start to scavenge, and things are gonna get nasty.

I'm glad I'm just going to go out with a bang with the volcano, because the afterlife has got to be better than this. But Mullin's main character, Alex, does an admirable job of surviving on his own. (And, he does make me regret, yet again, that I never learned karate as a kid...) Alex is left alone for a weekend, while his parents and younger sister go to visit his uncle about 2 hours away. And then — disaster. Alex is terrified, but stays for a few days with some neighbors, long enough for the insanely loud and massive rumblings of the volcano to stop. When Alex is no longer comfortable staying where he is, he decides to set out and find his family. Grabbing a pair of skis and some food and supplies, Alex walks out into the ash.

But Alex doesn't really know what he's doing. He doesn't bring enough food or water and he drinks it way too fast, drinking whole bottles at a time with his meals. But, Alex is lucky, and somehow, always manages to find what he needs right before, or right as his situation becomes dire. To be honest, it happened a few too many times to be wholly believable. When the world is in as much turmoil and panic, the likelihood of finding just exactly what you need just exactly when you need it, is slim. Like, finding an abandoned car right when you feel as if you can go no farther, even though you haven't seen any cars all day. There were a few times in the story when I thought, How convenient (mild eye-roll). But, we can't have our main characters dying on us, so I accepted the luck as necessary to the progression of the story, and honestly, the resourcefulness of the characters was a big help.

The only major complaint that I had with this story was the narrative style, but that is something that is more my problem than a problem with the writing. I find that I personally have a hard time feeling the proper urgency of a story when the main character already knows how the tale ends. I don't know what the proper name for this tense it, but it's first person, past tense? or something like that. But there are comments like, if 'I knew then what I know now', or 'I didn't know at the time, but found out later'. I hope that makes sense... For me, the story loses a bit of its urgency when I know the main character already knows how the story will end. It's not a conscious thing initially but it's been there in every story I've read that uses this style of writing. There's nothing wrong with it, I just don't connect to it as well as I do to some other styles.

This is a book about a journey, and it's a hard one. Alex struggles to travel, struggles to find genuinely good places to find food and water or sleep and Mullin doesn't hide from that. In the beginning, after Alex sets out to find his family, he realizes that it took him 6 days of walking on the skis to travel the distance it takes 30 minutes in the car. And Alex learns hard lessons too, many of which make him grateful for what he had and rueful that he ever took it for granted. It's a struggle every day for Alex to survive, and even with the luck thing, I would never want to be in his position. He finds enough to sustain him, but it's not like it's easy, and there is definitely no luxury to be had.

I was also impressed with Mullin's capture of human nature. The reactions of various characters Alex meets along the way are so varied, but so believable. Some are cruel and vicious, looking to scavenge or rob anything they can. Other communities rally together to protect and preserve all they can, realizing their chances of survival are better in a team. Still others seize and take power where they can, abusing those beneath them. And even in the communities where people are working together, you have to barter and trade for items you need and they pull every grain of food from you they possibly can. When faced with death, we will do pretty much everything in our power to ensure we can stave it off as long as possible and I thought Mullin captured that perfectly.

This review is already long enough, so I'll end with that even though I'm sure I could talk for hours about Yellowstone (and the interesting vacation pictures of me in it) and what the effects of this supervolcano erupting. It would be an absolutely devastating event, the likes of which civilization has never seen. You think the natural disasters we've experienced are bad? Just you wait until that gargantuanly massive volcano hanging out underneath Wyoming decides the pressure is too much. The world will be doomed.

*Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book for review from the author in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.

Have you ever read a book that sounds amazing, that seems to have every element that will make it a fantastically amazing read, has a million things you pick up on that you just love, lots of thoughts on life, good writing, good characters, great depth, and gives you so much to talk about but somehow, even with all of that going for it, just doesn't really do it for you? Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi was that book for me.

I'm having such a hard time identifying my thoughts on this one, because I don't really actually have anything bad to say about this one. All that I said above is true. There is a lot of brilliance within these pages. But perhaps therein lies my problem with it. It is, perhaps, too caught up in its own brilliance. There is so much to learn from this book. It tackles so many issues. I started to list all the ones I picked up on, but decided after 14 that it was a bit much for this review. The only thing I can think of that makes me not love this book as much as I logically should is that there is just too much hidden behind the words, perhaps too much that the book is trying to teach us and a few of the sections felt a little less... real because of this.

I hate trying to review a book where I can't actually pinpoint my dissatisfaction. I like being able to spot and say exactly where the book didn't quite work for me, so it makes me a little uncomfortable that I can't do that with this one. I want to be able to clearly iterate why I didn't love the book as much as I'd expected too, as much as many other people have.

Now don't get me wrong. This is a very well done book. I don't normally write down favorite quotes, but this one had me copying down several. And the things you can learn from this book, although plentiful, aren't terribly overbearing, especially on their own.

One of the strongest discussions throughout the book is what it means to be human, and if it's ever alright to treat someone as less than human. There are class differences and racial differences at play here and both sides look down on the others. The really poor, like Nailer, our main character, look down on the rich and wealthy. They look down on the people who pay the small children of the poor to crawl inside rotting and rusting ships hoping for small pieces of scrap they can sell, so they can eat. The rich look down on the poor as the extremely wealthy have been known to do throughout all kinds of history. When Nailer and his friend stumble across one of the wealthy and have the opportunity to become rich or to save this girl's life, everything changes.

Loyalty is also a huge theme in this story and when loyalty can go too far. Morals and ethics are debated, lives are changed and the reader is left with thoughts that should nudge about their brain for days and weeks and months. And right there... I think I just identified why I am not as enthralled as so many others are. And it's that, right there. While reading and directly after I knew that this book was supposed to be one of those books that would resonate and stay with you for a long time, perhaps even changing the way you think and view the world. And for a great many people, it has done that. But for me, it missed the mark. I knew after finishing that while I would remember details of the book, the same way I remember details of most of what I read, it is not a book that would stay with me the way that those books who make my favorites list do. And that was disappointing because I was fully expecting it to.

Anyway, this is still a book that I strongly recommend, that I think is important to read. And perhaps it will surprise me. Perhaps the important parts of the book will come back to me at odd times to settle in and make me think. This is also a book that I fully intend to reread. I have a feeling it's one of those books that is even better on the reread.

And now, for the first time, I'm going to end my review with my favorite quotations from the book. I'm not going to give you any background on where or why they are spoken, (perhaps this will encourage you to read the book...) but they really are lines that will make you think, lines that make you questions and quotes that make you wonder.

"The only reason you think you've got morals is because you don't need the money the way regular people do." pg. 194

"Killing isn't free. It takes something out of you every time you do it. You get their life, they get a piece of your soul. It's always a trade." pg. 174

"Lucky girl used to look at me the same way you're looking at me. And now she doesn't. That's why I'm going with you. No other reason. Got it?" pg. 253

Want to Go Private? by Sarah Darer Littman makes me feel, like Whoa!

Abby is 14 and about to start high school. Middle school wasn't that great (her and her best friend, Faith were picked on by the super popular crowd) and Abby doesn't really see anything to look forward to. She doesn't really like change, and is incredibly nervous about starting high school. It doesn't help that on the first day of school she realizes that she and Faith, who have been inseparable since 2nd grade only have gym together and her parents seem to think that's a 'positive' change. They want her to meet new people, make new friends but all she wants is to stay friends with Faith and keep everything the same as it's always been. It gets even worse when Faith starts making new friends and the only person Abby seems to meet is a super hot guy who can't even remember her name while he copies her math homework.

Abby doesn't really feel like she has a place. She's under a lot of pressure from her parents to be perfect, get straight As and live up to their expectations. She doesn't feel like they understand her, and she feels like they treat her differently than her younger sister, who she fights with constantly. Her best friend is pulling away from her, putting her time into new attachments and Abby desperately needs to feel loved, appreciated and wanted.

And then she meets Luke in a new cyber hang out geared for teens. Luke is wonderful. He understands Abby, sympathizes with her, tells her that he understands things are hard and he tells her she is beautiful. It's what she needs to hear, so she begins to let Luke consume her life. She spends all her time online or wishing she were online. And then, after a huge fight with her parents, Abby accepts Luke's offer to finally meet in real life. And then she disappears

This book hurts you in every way there is to hurt. Abby is really struggling to find her place right now and she's feeling inadequate in almost every area of her life. This makes her highly vulnerable to an internet predator. My heart hurt for Abby so many times in this story. She's really hurting and doesn't feel like anyone is willing to stop and listen to her, until she meets Luke. She has so much that she keeps locked inside and it's painful to read. And then there are things that will turn your stomach. Reading about this guy preying on such a young girl made me ill. And, it made me desire to do violence. I believe the people who prey upon and abuse children are the lowest of the low. And I cried while reading this book. There is so much pain felt by so many different characters and it just really hit me. I can't even imagine how devastating something like this would be in real life and I just ached.

The only thing I'm not sure I believed about this book was how quickly Luke was able to get Abby to do things horribly outside the levels of what is appropriate. He tells her in their first chat that he is already out of high school, and by the third he asks her bra size and follows that up by telling her he is 27 to her 14. I know that they had already chatted previously, but given how much she apparently knew about internet safety and how smart she was, I don't feel like there was enough build up there at this point for Abby to continue talking once she realized he was twice her age. And then, when he starts getting her to do more and more, (topless picture, webcam etc) I don't feel like there was enough resistance on Abby's part. Some of the things he asked her to do should have been met with at least a token resistance, but other than moving slowly and blushing, Abby never even says no. I think she would have been easily talked in to those situations, but I feel like it should have taken a little... more from Luke first.

Littman does attempt to justify this a little. Abby justifies a lot of her decisions, especially in the beginning, with the knowledge that nothing is going to happen — she's never going to actually meet the guy, so it's not really that bad. Which, as Abby can later attest, is very dangerous thinking.

But even so, I think that this is a very important book for kids to be reading, especially for kids around Abby's age. It is a time of great change and adjustment for teens and most teens feel very vulnerable. Internet predators are talented manipulators who study ways to reel teens in and exploit them. This book is important because so many teens have this idea or attitude of, Well that only happens to other people, that would never happen to me. And it's not true. If you refuse to acknowledge that there might be a risk, you put yourself at greater risk. Teens need to read this book. It's hard and it would definitely be a book that would be good to have a parent read with the teens so that they can talk about what happens in the story and how to protect yourself. It's a powerful book, I tell you what.

There is so much else that I could mention about this book. So many places I could have gone with this review. Because the book is just that good. It is amazing, powerful, intense, heartbreaking and so very important.

*Disclaimer — I received and ARC of this from the publisher in exchange for a fair and un

Help me welcome Susan Niz to the blog today, author of Kara, Lost, a story about a 16 year old who runs away from home. Susan was kind enough to stop by and answer some questions about herself and about her new novel.

Why do you write?

I believe that I was born to write. I notice details and I like to imagine people’s stories, which I think has to do with a fascination with analyzing emotions, reactions, and relationships. Also, I’ve been through so many crazy things that I could keep writing forever. And because my life is stable now, allowing me the opportunity to write.

Have you always wanted to be a writer? If you couldn't write, what would be your 'dream job'?

I have always wanted to be a writer. When I was three or four, I would staple together any kind of scrap paper, scribble a title on the cover, and imagine that it was my own book that I had written. I became a teacher and taught for many years. I found many aspects of teaching to be very fulfilling; teachers can really make a difference for kids.

I would like to be a baker, a musician, an artist, a textile weaver, or design educational children’s toys. I don’t necessarily have the skills for most of those jobs. Ideally, I would get paid to do something where I could collaborate creatively with other people.

The story in Kara, Lost is not a light-hearted book, and Kara's journey sounds like a truly painful one. Why this story? Why did you need to share this story with the world?

I ran away from home when I was sixteen and was homeless for a few months. Kara’s story is fiction, but I told my story through Kara’s voice. I felt driven to get the story out of me, to try to make some sense of it, to share it with other people, and to put it out in the world so that it wasn’t just living in a shameful place inside me. I feel liberated by the process, but it wasn’t clean or easy. Writing my story as fiction allowed me to explore motivations, causes and effects, and emotions in a way that was a little less personal and not tied to ideas of blame.

What does it feel like, knowing that your book is now in print and soon to be read by people all over? Do you ever just stop and think, Wow! I'm a writer?!

Yes, I do sometimes think, “I actually did it.” It’s a process of finding my voice as a published author and enjoying the sense of accomplishment that comes along with sharing my book with others.

What is the hardest part of writing for you? The easiest? Most rewarding?

If someone wants to write a book, they should now that it takes a lot of hard work. The most difficult part was just the consistent effort and commitment of time and focus that it took. The easiest part was the drive to tell the story and the actual story ideas. The most rewarding part is knowing that I followed through with my dream. Now I can ask myself, “What is my next dream? What is my next story?”

If you could share anything with your readers, tell us any one thing, what would it be?

Know your worth and don’t let others keep you down. Be strong. Keep going and find a positive path in life.

Thank you so much for stopping by Susan! It's great to hear more about the motivation behind your book!

The Babysitter Murders by Janet Ruth Young is a tough book to read. It's the story of Dani, a young girl who babysits a little boy named Alex, and he is just the cutest thing ever. Alex is such a sweet kid and Dani genuinely loves him and enjoys being a part of his life, even though his mom (who Dani calls Mrs. Alex) takes advantage of Dani and is someone who bothered me from the very beginning of the book. But then some stuff starts to change for Dani and her mind begins to betray her. She finds herself having violent thoughts, vivid imaginings where she will stab Alex with a large kitchen knife.

At first, she tries to just shake off the thoughts but they continue, and the longer they go on, the more vivid and violent they become. Then Dani starts having similar thoughts in other areas of her life, around other people. She imagines saying horrid things to and about her best friend, her mom, doing cruel and horrible things to her new boyfriend, doing embarrassing things to her teachers and more. The thoughts get so vivid and are so strong that she looks around in a panic, desperately trying to determine whether or not it actually happened.

Dani tries talking to both her best friend and her mom about what's happening, but neither are very receptive to Dani and neither are able, or really even willing to offer the help she needs. Awkward conversations and willful ignorance... Finally, not knowing what else to do, Dani confesses her thoughts to Alex's mom, hoping that she will finally stop nagging her to keep babysitting. Immediately, Mrs. Alex goes upstairs and calls the police.

And here is where this book really started to become the mind-changer that it is. This is a book that forced me to reevaluate some of my assumptions and the lines that I've drawn. I have a tendency to view much of my world in black and white. I understand that there is a lot of gray area in the world. I get it. I do. But, I am also willing to admit that I refuse to see a lot of that gray area. Child abuse, rape etc are things that I have a firm black and white view on. So is child endangerment and the rights of a mother to protect her child. BUT, and here is where this book starts to really hit home, the mother in this book, who thought she was doing what was best for her son, did not handle it well. What she ends up doing, by calling the police is opening up a can of worms that is going to change everything and might possibly destroy lives.

One of the police officers who comes to pick up Dani from Mrs. Alex's house is a really great guy. He's concerned about Dani and he takes the time to talk to her, to really figure out what is going on with her and he tells her mom she needs to be seeing a therapist. The other cop however, is the type with a huge chip on his shoulder, the belief that he is better than everyone else, and that the rich kids (Dani) are never actually accountable for their actions. He takes these feelings home with him, and passes them along to his son, a kid at Dani's school. This cop is one of the worst characters in the novel and every single scene with him in it made my skin crawl. He talks to his son about teenage girls in a horribly inappropriate way, discussing their bodies and physical attributes. Talking about a teen girl's bra size when you are 16 is crass but not a big deal. But being 45 and talking about a 16 year old's bra size to your 16 year old son?! Creepy, inappropriate and wrong.

His son, Malcolm takes his dad's opinions about the case (stuff he overhears, because cops are bot supposed to talk about this stuff at all) and he starts spreading news around, targeting Dani, although for a long time he doesn't use her name. This creates a lot of unrest and chaos and it becomes dangerous for Dani. People start making threats and a private vigilante group comes to town to try and 'pick up where the law left off'. This scared me a little bit. While reading this book, you are firmly on Dani's side. It's so obvious that she doesn't want or welcome these thoughts, that she is desperate to get rid of them and beyond terrified that she is somehow going to act on them. But the members of the community don't get to hear that, and by the time anyone might say something about it, they are too far gone to want to listen anymore.

I read this book, and realized that those people might have been me. Not the vigilante group (although, it scared me to realize that in some circumstances, I might have agreed more strongly with them) but with the people in general who believed that she was a monster. Having access to Dani's thoughts changed things for me, made me realize that there are some instances where a black and white view of the world is dangerous and isn't always to be welcomed. It's part of human nature, this tendency to judge before being sure of all our facts and this is a book that makes you really stop to think.

Dani faces such challenges and it's really heartbreaking to watch her. She is terrified. She has no idea what is going on, why her mind suddenly feels like it no longer belongs to her and she is genuinely afraid she is going to hurt someone, and she wants to do whatever it takes to prevent that.

I don't want to really spoil this part for readers, because I think it's important for the reader to discover some of this along with Dani, but as you can gather from the synopsis, Dani finds herself struggling with a mental illness. This is one of the most complete pictures of Dani's particular illness that I've ever read. I graduated with a degree in Psychology and this is a disorder I studied during my undergrad. I get really frustrated when I read a book that paints an incomplete or incorrect picture of a mental illness, but this one was marvelously written. I want to hug the therapist that Dani ends up going to see. I'm still not sure what exactly I want to do with my Psychology degree, but if I were to take it into counseling, that is the type of therapist I hope I could be.

Watching Dani learn to live with her illness, learn to cope with the changes in her life broke my heart at the same time it was so empowering. She is such a fabulous character. I just wanted to hug her for so much of the novel because she really is lost and scared. Your mind is supposed to be the one thing that is fully yours, fully under your control. What are you supposed to do if your mind turns on you, becomes a thing you fear?

The Babysitter Murders is a book that will challenge you and your perceptions, that will help you grow as a person and as a thinker and it's one that is going to tear at your heart. It's also a book that begs discussion, the needs to be talked about. So, if you finish, and you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me.

The Giver by Lois Lowry is a reread for me. I originally read it as a sophomore in high school and I was pretty neutral about it. I don't think it was the type of book I was really in the mood for and I know that I sped through it really fast (because reading only 3 chapters a night in a book this small was torture for a kid like me) and I admit that I read it a bit grudgingly. I was never that kid that hated a book because I was forced to read it. There were a few books I didn't particularly enjoy reading, but this is the only one, in all my years of schooling that I remember not liking because they made me read it.

I read the companion novels, Gathering Blue and Messenger and I simply loved them. So I figured that I must have missed something within The Giver and I decided that I would reread it sometime. But, in the meantime, I will also admit that I claimed to like The Giver as much as I had liked the other two books, but I'm admitting now, that it wasn't true. Then.

Now, however, that's all behind me and OH MY GOODNESS! I'm sitting here, staring at my 15 year old self in shock wondering why on Earth I didn't love this book. Because it is amazing. Far too amazing for the words I'm going to use to adequately describe this book.

Here is a book that makes you wonder, makes you think, makes you question. It follows a young boy, Jonah is not quite 12 when the book starts, and the whole story takes place in just over a year. We watch as Jonah is transformed from a young, naive boy into someone who has wisdom and understanding thrust upon him. Most of you reading this review have either already read The Giver or I'm sure you've heard about it from someone. So, it might be that it's impossible for me to spoil anything for you. BUT I think the way Lowry has written and crafted this story is so important, so powerful and so impactful when read 'right' that I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone. So there is a lot I'm leaving out, a lot I'm leaving for you to discover, or rediscover, as I did, all on your own.

You learn in the beginning of the story that the world Jonah lives in is full of structure, rules, regulations, and careful, careful planning. Every detail of their lives is planned by the Elders. Everything is meticulously planned and there are no deviations from this. They are taught from a very young age how they are to live, how they are to be. And no one questions anything, because none of them know any better.

The only question I have about the story is something I can't address in a review like this, because while not, perhaps, an actual spoiler, it does contain something of the story that I think needs to be revealed to the reader, one page, one thought, one memory at a time. I wish the idea of memory had been explored a little deeper in the novel but I find the idea behind it utterly fascinating. Definitely very Jungian though. Makes you wonder.:) (Any of you know what that means? Or am I the only Psych nerd: P)

So really, what I guess I'm trying to say here is that this is a novel worth reading and it is defintiely a novel worth reading again and again. I imagine that there is much Jonas can teach me, about life and what makes it worth living and about what I'm willing to sacrifice in exchange for comfort and whether I have the right to make certain choices for later generations. It's a book to make you think, a book to make you feel and one that I can already tell is going to draw me back for a reread again and again. It is not to be missed.

Monsterby Walter Dean Meyers was the first recipient of the Printz Award in 2000. It's the story of a young black kid on trial as an accessory to murder, although he's being tried as a full participant in the crime. 16 year old Steve is confused, scared and alone. The ADA calls him a monster, his court appointed defense lawyer thinks he's guilty, and his own parents aren't really sure who he is any more. Shoot, he's not even sure who he is anymore.

Because he's so confused right now, Steve decides to try and make sense of things the only way he knows how. He decides to turn the entire court and prison proceedings into a screenplay. He was taking a film class in school before being arrested and now uses the knowledge he gained there to try and cope with his situation. Interspersed throughout the screenplay are also journal entries from Steve where we have a chance to hear him talk openly about what he's feeling and struggling with.

I loved the format here. I loved viewing the court and all the proceedings through the lens that Steve puts on himself. The screenplay is not only his way to make sense of and cope with things, on some level, it's also his way of distancing himself from what is happening. This court case is going to completely change his life. If he's convicted, he'll be going to jail for a minimum of 20 years. That's a lot of a 16 year old kid to handle, and there are moments when he just needs to make it take a back seat.

Steve's thoughts are also unclear for most of the book. We are never actually sure if Steve is guilty, because I'm not sure Steve himself really understands if he is guilty or not. As we watch catch glimpses of his memories and are able to see more of how the events unfold, we are able to get a better idea of how Steve got to be in this situation. He wants to fit in with the tough guys in his neighborhood, wants to be tough like them, so he starts spending more time around them and through a series of bad decisions and moments where he let good choices go by, Steve finds himself with all of his time split between prison and court.

It's hard to watch Steve go through this. It's hard to see any young teen who might completely lose their freedom because of a series of bad choices, even though they are generally a good kid. I thought Meyers did an excellent job bringing enough ambiguity to Steve's character that we never really know if he's guilty, we never really know how involved he was, but we are also given enough information about him to know that he isn't a bad person. The scenes with Steve's family are especially painful. How do you talk to your kid when he's facing a murder charge and while you desperately want to believe he's innocent, deep down you aren't really sure?!

This one is a reread for me. I read it for the first time a few years ago and have been wanting to reread it for a while now. And I have to say, it's just as powerful now as it was then. It's not one to be missed.

Bitter End by Jennifer Brown is one of those stories that I think needs to be read by teenage girls. If you look up statistics for teen dating violence, your heart just breaks. There are so many sites with statistics gathered from surveys and studies and all of them are tragic. Books like Bitter End are important, because it gives young people a 'safe' place to learn about dating violence. Knowing the warning signs is an incredibly important part of keeping yourself out of a bad situation.

Alex doesn't have the perfect life, but she is, for the most part, happy. Her mother died when she was young, during a seemingly mindless attempt to leave for Colorado. Her father has almost completely shut down and refuses to talk about any of the 'tough' stuff. He mostly leaves Alex and her sisters alone, focusing on his own issues. This is really hard on Alex. She feels the hole her mother left deeply and desperately needs to understand why her mom would walk away, but doesn't have anywhere to turn to for answers. So, she decided a long time ago that she was going to go to Colorado after graduation and her two best friends decided they would go with her. Alex, Beth and Zach have been best friends for years and years. Referred to by parents as the three headed monster, they've been pretty much inseparable for years.

These three just click. They understand each other, love each other and would do anything for each other. They are the very best kind of friends to have. But there's nothing romantic between any of them, and they are at that stage when romantic relationships are wonderful and good and desirable. When Cole transfers to their school and is assigned to Alex for tutoring, it's like fate. He's super good looking, into sports, smart, funny, such a gentleman, but best of all? He's really into Alex. He makes her feel beautiful, loved and amazing and she soon finds herself caught up in the magic that Cole spins for her.

But it doesn't take long for that magical feeling to go a little sour. It's small things at first, things that in moderation might seem cute or romantic, but quickly become creepy and stalkerish. Like sitting at a booth in the cafe where Alex works until her shift ends. When it's only the last 30 or 40 minutes, that's kind of cute. But when he sits there, watching you for your whole entire shift? Not cute. Not cute at all. Cole also really dislikes Zach, and he especially hates it when Alex spends time with him. He's convinced Zach is in love with Alex and that she is going to cheat on him with Zach and he does everything he can to make that relationship uncomfortable, which severely strains her relationship with Beth also, until he finally gets to the point where he has pulled Alex almost completely away from the rock solid support system Zach and Beth have to offer.

There are so many moments to this story where your cringe for Alex. Where you just want to cry out and tell her to get herself out of there. But Brown wrote this story incredibly well. Cole is Mr. Perfect in the beginning of the story. He knows all the right things to say, has all sorts of romantic gestures down pat and he just seems to be amazing. In fact, if I hadn't known going into this book that it was about an abusive relationship, I think I might have been taken in by his charm. But pretty quickly the thinly veiled insults start piling up on top of his jealous and controlling demands and his monopolizing all her time. It becomes clear to us that there is something seriously wrong much sooner than it does to Alex.

Alex does start to realize that things are not as they should be, but by then, she feels like she's gone too far. She has two things against her at this point. One is that she has never thought she would become 'that girl', the one who let her boyfriend beat her, but stayed with him anyway. She didn't want people to know that she had let things get to that point, so she stays, because she's embarrassed to leave. And the other thing? Cole loves her. He is the first person in her memories to tell her that she is loved and she desperately needs to feel that right now. That declaration of love went straight through to Alex and tied her to Cole completely. He loves her, she loves him and the rest can be worked out in time. She makes excuses for him — He just needs to work out his anger. I just need to stop being around Zach, since it makes him angry. His dad beats his mom, so it's all that he knows. Etc and etc.

But, as is always the case with relationships like this, things continue to escalate and they really never get better on their own.

I meant it when I said that this book, and the others on the market like it are so important for everyone to read, but especially young girls. They teach us what the warning signs of an abuser are so that we can protect ourselves before it gets to the point of violence, it lets people in an abusive relationship know that it is not their fault, that nothing they do is going to change their abuser and they need to leave, and that there is always hope, that getting help is not a weakness but a strength, and it also teaches compassion to those who have not been in this situation. It is too easy to look and judge and say, Well why didn't you just leave him?! But unless we try to understand the situation from the inside, we do no help to those struggling to free themselves. It's so easy to say just leave, but the actual leaving is an entirely different matter. And it's hard.

Read this book. Read the other books out there on the same subject. Learn all you can to protect yourself, to protect others, and to learn compassion, love and understanding so that you really can be there if you are needed. Books like this are so important to our teenagers and I'm so glad that there are more of them being written.

*Disclaimer: I received a copy of this for review from a traveling ARC tour through the Teen Book Scene.

It's week two of Award Winning Wednesday! Be sure to stick around until the end of this post so that you can add your Award Winning Reviews to the linky at the bottom!!

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I seem to be reading a lot of books lately that really challenge my perceptions of the world, and make me reevaluate how I judge things. Stolen by Lucy Christopher is very definitely one of those novels.

I had heard enough about this book, and read enough reviews to know that Ty, our kidnapper is a very sympathetic character. So, I knew that was coming. But I didn't think I would be as... moved as most of the people who have read this book. I knew I'd find some sympathy for him, because it's intentionally written that way, but I figured I'd say, Oh, poor sympathetic bastard. And leave it at that. I'd perhaps understand Ty better, but would still firmly believe he belonged locked up. I mean, seriously. He drugged a 16 year old girl in an airport and dragged her off to live in the absolute barren deserts of Australia. What a catch, right?

I have a tendency to place certain things into 'boxes'. Like child abuse. It's wrong. No exceptions. Special place in hell for those who hurt children. Infidelity is another absolute for me. For me personally, I have no respect for cheaters and know that it's not something I could ever come back from in a relationship. Kidnapping or abduction has always, always been firmly in that area too. It's bad. You don't do it. And if you do do it, you deserve whatever nasty punishments the 'law' decides to slam you with. So I wasn't expecting to care about Ty. He's a kidnapper. Not only did he take her from the airport, he has also been following her for 6 years. 6 years! That is insane! And creepy! And scary. And stalkerish. And creepy. Definitely creepy.

The book is written as if Gemma is writing a letter to Ty. You know, given the nature of the letter, that Gemma is now home. But you don't know how she got there, why or how Ty let her go, if she escaped, if she's writing him in prison, or if he got away. And because Gemma is writing the story of how she saw things happen, we also don't yet know where Gemma wants him to be.

Because we are learning about Ty through Gemma's voice in her letter, the way she feels about him at any given moment in her memories greatly colors her representation of him, which means it colors the way we see him. But mixed in with that is also the knowledge of how Gemma feels later, as she is writing the letter and so the flashes of vulnerability from Ty are included in the story. This creates a layer to the story I've never experienced before. As a reader, we can see both versions of Ty at once. The Ty that has so terrified Gemma, because he has taken her away from everything she knows, trapped her in a place miles away from anything and told her he is never going to let her leave. But we also see the Ty that is kind and compassionate and genuinely believes that Gemma will be happy here, and that he is saving her. It confuses Gemma. And we see that too.

In the beginning, I understood that Ty was a sympathetic captor, that he wasn't evil, but I was still against him overall. I was still all for him going to prison and rotting for a long time, for Gemma being saved and all that heroic stuff. And when we learn that Ty has been obsessed with Gemma since she was 10 years old, it only reinforced that idea. Sure, he's had a tough life, but he still needs to be locked up.

But somewhere along the way, I started to soften towards Ty. And I didn't even notice. Honestly. I went from assuming I was going to be really happy if/when he ended up being put away for years to terrified that Gemma and Ty were no longer going to be able to stay together. I knew that she got away from him, but when I saw it coming, when I realized how it was going to happen, I kept thinking hoping that there was going to be another way. That their split up was only temporary, that Ty would be able to stay on the desert homestead until Gemma could find her way back to him.

And then I had to stop reading for a moment. I had to stop so that I could process this. I am not sympathetic to villains. Ever. Really. Especially in a contemporary novel. Because that's like real life. And in real life, the bad guys belong in jail. I'm all about the justice system. If you commit a crime, you pay the price and accept the consequences. Period. End of discussion. So why on earth was I sitting there, reading, hoping against hope that he ends up safe?! It really shook me. To the point that I had a really long conversation with my best friend, who knows me better than anyone else. And when I told her about how I was feeling at the end of the book, her reaction was almost comical. I could see the shock in her eyes. Ashley does not express a desire for the villain to be freed from consequences. Ashley does not hope that the bad guy will be able to see the good girl one more time. Ashley does not think that perhaps the bad guy has some redeeming qualities, even while he is being bad...

But... Ashley did.

And I'm still reeling a little here. It's hard to read a book that shocks and ruptures your solid foundations. I don't think this book is going to make my sympathize for every abductor in prison or awaiting trial or capture. I'm not suddenly going to become an advocate for these people, because I still genuinely believe that what they have done is absolutely wrong. But, I never once thought I would be able to sympathize with someone like that. I never once thought I would find myself on their side, even if it is only in a book. It's made me take a deeper look at myself and it's made me wonder what else I might be persuaded to feel differently about if I were to read a book that handles to topic well enough. (Actually, I just finished another book that shook me even more than this one did and I'm pretty sure has left lasting changes on how I'm going to view my world... Review for that one will be here in July)

So, this is a book that I recommend with every part of myself. There is something about this book that forces you to reexamine your world, that will make you question what you believe in. Ty is a very sympathetic character, but Gemma is the real heart of the story. She is so strong. She tries to escape, tries to adapt and survive and she does. Gemma is a wonderfully strong character, a character that didn't ask for any of this but rises admirably to the challenges she dealt. I felt for Ty, understood him more than I thought possible, but I loved Gemma. Loved her voice, her strength, her ability to think and reason and analyze herself and her thoughts during seemingly impossible situations.

Please. Read this book. I can't imagine that anyone who reads this book will not be touched or changed in some way.

Don't forget to link your reviews! If you've written a review of a Newbery or Printz honor or award winner since May 31st, add your link here!:)

In Too Deep by Amanda Grace was one of those books that got my inner reader all a-flutter the very first time I heard about it. It's no secret that I'm in love with Contemporary, or that the books dealing with those real tough issues are almost always my favorite. And here was a book about a girl who lets everyone in school believe that Mr. Big Man On Campus raped her at a party. Umm... Yes please! I haven't had much time to read lately, but I made time for this one. And oh my goodness, let me tell you — Wow. Was this book worth it.

Sam was such a hard character for me to read about, because I personally had a hard time putting myself in her shoes. So I spent a vast majority of the book flopping between wanting to slap some sense into Sam and feeling so sorry for her and wanting to hug her and help her make life better. But most of the time, the urge to slap her won. Because Sam doesn't have a strong sense of self, doesn't have confidence in herself or her abilities and because of this, she allows other people to make her decisions for her. I hate to say it, but she's really a rather weak character. She falls into the easiest course of action and just allows it to take her where it will. So, when she gets to school and starts to learn that everyone believes Carter to be a rapist, she doesn't speak up and quell the rumors, because she doesn't know how, and is terrified of even the idea of needing to announce something like that, and then others who feel wronged by Carter (like the girl he dumped because she wouldn't have sex & the girl he dumped because she did) tell Sam that she's doing the right thing — Carter deserves this comeuppance & there is only a week left until graduation when he can leave all of this behind.

But actions have consequences, and even choosing to do nothing is a choice.

It doesn't take long before the lie spirals out of control and Sam loses the ability to hold onto it. Her life is falling apart. She's being threatened by the Jocks at school, cheered on by the girls who think Carter is a jerk and comforted by her best friend (now boyfriend, yes?!!!), watching Carter lose his firm confidence and more, and she is feeling completely confused and overwhelmingly guilty.

I think, for the most part, Sam is a good person. But, like most teenagers, she is a little confused about her place in life, and is trying to determine where she fits. But she places far too much weight on what other people think and I don't think she ever really allowed herself to be herself, meaning she's about to graduate high school with no idea who she really is or what she stands for. And when you don't have a clear and definitive idea of who you are, you allow other people to mold you & their influence becomes far stronger over you than your own moral compass.

There are a lot of nuances to this book, a lot of layers that allow us to see how Sam grew to be who she is. Her mom walked out on them when Sam was just a baby, her father is the Sheriff and far more authoritative than loving, and she's got some deeper feelings for the best friend/boy next door that she agonizes over, etc. We learn a lot about Sam, and I really liked that the incident was not the only part of this story. We really learn a lot about Sam and you really get the sense that she could be a real person, that you probably know or have known a teenager very similar to her.

This is a book that has firmly found its strength in reality. I honestly believe that a situation like the one that plays out in this book could happen in real life, and I don't actually think it's that hard to imagine. But it does lead me to the best part of this book, which is the ending.

I want to extend an enormous THANK YOU to Ms. Grace for not being afraid of her ending and for allowing her story to take it's characters to the natural and honest conclusion without cheating us into a happily ever after. I've read far too many books that take a hugely honest and emotional story that could do so much for its readers and then leaves us with a beautifully crafted "happy place" for each and every character. A warning to those of you who enjoy unrealistically happy endings — This is not that book.

You cannot have a character who willingly participates in the destruction of another human being's life and not expect there to be consequences. Sam didn't want to hurt anyone. She didn't set out to ruin Carter, but she did stand by and watch while it happened, knowing that she could easily have fixed things for herself and for Carter had she simply opened her mouth and been honest. But instead, she sits back, allows other people to convince her that he deserves it (because that makes it "ok" for her to take the 'easy' way out) and watches while Carter's life falls to pieces.

This is a book that I think needs to be widely read. Because it teaches us a lesson that people, especially teenagers, NEED to hear. Your actions and choices DO matter. The MAKE a difference. And staying silent about something important? That IS a choice and it WILL have an impact. You ARE responsible for the result and you DO have to accept the consequences for that choice.

I can't stress enough how honest this book felt, how true to life, how real. This isn't a story where one magical speechifying moment is enough to fix all the damage that has been done, and the book is going to leave you feeling shaken. But Sam learns from her mistake. She begins to grow as a person and find her own self. And what more to ask for in a book than honesty, growth and emotion.

I don't know how to recommend this book more highly. There were things I didn't love about the book, things that weren't perfect. But the tone of the story and the ability of Ms. Grace to be honest with her readers and leave us in a place both dark and hopeful while still being true to her characters and the situation she's created more than makes up for any faults within the story. And the lessons learned in this book are lessons that every needs to learn.

Please. Read this book. And, if you have teenagers living at your house, have a copy at home.

*Disclaimer: I received this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair and unbiased review.